I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m a little… directionless.
Why? I’m not really sure. I just feel as though there’s something missing now.
Or maybe it was never there? If so, I don’t know why it took me ’til now to realise it. All I know is, at this moment in time, I am here. Looking for more. More to life.
But why? It’s not like I’m miserable with where I am now. I understand that you can’t have everything and there will always be something else that you want. I’ve been wanting and wanting all through my life, gaining some, not gaining some. And I was happy with all the little I did gain.
There are still plenty of wants left in life. I look forward to chasing these things I have yet to gain.
But wait. This feeling. It’s different. It doesn’t feel the same way as before. It’s not about just wanting something. It’s empty. A void that should be filled… but with what?
Is it because I haven’t tasted everything that life has to offer? Maybe more tasting is required to truly know what it is I want.
It’s a missing piece.
It’s something within me that screams “there has to be more!”
It’s like that first song, ‘Belle’, from Beauty and the Beast. I want much more than this provincial life!
Oh but I feel guilty. Why is there suddenly this need for something more? Aren’t I happy with everything I have now?
To the few people who I’ve told. When I tell them that I want more. I don’t expect them to know what I’m looking for when I, myself, have no idea either. It’s just nice to have someone to share your thoughts with, isn’t it?
But they don’t understand. They wish for my happiness but they don’t understand. What do I mean? What more could I want? Why aren’t I satisfied?
My thoughts then turn to this: Am I being selfish? Ungrateful? Am I really unappreciative of what I have now?
Of course not. Of course I’m grateful. I’m happy for everything. I am forever thanking the stars for guiding me to this point. Truly, I feel so lucky to be blessed with this life.
But I can’t help this feeling. I don’t know what I’m looking for but I know I am looking.
The guilt sets in. From the point of view of everyone else, this is where it all begins. I’ve gained these things that I was working toward. Now it’s onwards and upwards.
If no one agrees with me, does that mean I’m wrong?
Again, I am Belle. For once it might be grand to have someone understand. I feel as though I could sing her songs with all my heart, having now understood the deeper meaning behind it all.
Questions. So many questions. I don’t think I’ve ever questioned myself so much as I do now. What happened? Not long ago I was in love with the world. Now I’m struggling. What changed? Did I lose something along the way without realising it?
I’m left wondering if this is yet another challenge set for me by the universe. After all, I have faith that things happen for reason. Life knows what it’s doing.
I tried to change my perception on the situation. Maybe I’m not seeing things clearly. Maybe I don’t really want more. Maybe I’m deluded and only think I want more. I mean, what do I know? Am I not just another naive girl, unknowing of this world, who is trying to find her way through life, like everyone else?
Yet no matter how I look at things, no matter how hard I try to change my mind, it all comes back to the same thing.
I am lost.
I don’t know where I’m going.
I don’t know what I want anymore.
There is an empty space somewhere. I want someone to tell me. What do I want?
Deep down, I think I need to believe in myself more. I’m an egg and it’s time to hatch. It’s time to take another look at the world from a fresh perspective again.
I don’t usually spill my feelings out so easily for fear that they make no sense. But in this instance, they don’t seem to want to stay in. By hitting ‘publish’ on this post, I’ll at least know that I have finally admitted these feelings to myself.
From there, I can hopefully work my through this strange metaphorical maze with a renewed child-like curiosity and grow by doing so.
There’s something missing. And I’m determined to find it.
Don’t give up. A za a za fighting!
Roots before branches 🙂