(Today’s post is written like a journal entry. I have so many thoughts and I need somewhere to write them down!) 🙂
I truly feel like the tail-end of last year were the moments where I grew up a lot.
They were also the moments I struggled a lot. Truth be told, the past few years have felt like a constant internal struggle but it was those last few months where it really messed with my head. And on that final day in December, it was like something in my mind snapped as I declared “Enough. I know what’s happening here. I’m tired of thinking and worrying too much and not doing enough to help myself. It’s time to take back control, time to OWN who I am.”
It sounds dramatic. Maybe it was. It also sounds like it happened quickly, so easily – like one day, I just decided it was time to take action for myself in that instant. But it wasn’t instant, not at all. It was the result of many years of thoughts accumulating slowly over time. In that final month of 2016, a storm of emotions erupted… and every day, I thought about maybe, maybe fighting back. The day I declared to myself “it’s time” was basically the storm coming to an end. And now it’s time to tidy up the pieces.
I spend a lot of time wondering – if I had to explain this to someone, how would I word it? I wouldn’t even know. Because on the outside, there was no event to explain what had caused this. On the outside, I don’t believe it looks like I’ve changed. And honestly, I probably haven’t that much. I am still me. But I am a ‘me’ who is more sure of herself, who is less worried of showing her true self to others. The change has been on the inside.
It’s what I’ve always wanted. To be comfortable with being truly myself around others. But for the longest time, I would second-guess the things I would do or say. For fear they would think I’m a little weird.
But maybe I am weird. And I like weird. And if I met someone who was a little weird, I’d probably embrace them with open arms. I enjoy it when people aren’t afraid to be themselves. So why should I be afraid of being myself?
Not to say I’m never scared anymore. I do still worry, I do still overthink. But I’ve somehow learned not to let it have any power over me. I acknowledge it but let it be.
When you’re brave enough to be yourself and are lucky enough to have others know your ‘weirdness’ but still accept you for it, that is the moment you realise: Hey, maybe I’m an alright person, quirks and all!
“Getting lost will help you find yourself.” I’ve always believed it because it was an encouraging thought but it’s funny how I never truly understood it until it actually happened. Until then, we must have faith that life – and our own soul – guides us in the right direction. It is that hope which has kept my optimism bar fuelled up for so long.
So many thoughts, so many thoughts! There were some days I thought my mind would overload from it all. The only way I know to describe the sheer amount of thoughts I’ve been having is to use Cortana, the smart AI from the Halo series, as an example. In Halo 4, she starts suffering from Rampancy, a state where she begins ‘thinking’ too much for herself to handle.
No wonder she became a favourite character of mine.
“The Master Chief got scared all the time. He never showed it, though. He usually mentally acknowledged the apprehension, put it aside and continued…“
– Halo: The Fall of Reach (novel by Eric Nylund)