Last year, I went through a thing. We’ll call it a ‘thing’ because it has no real definition. It wasn’t a singular event. It really is just a ‘thing’ because it kinda just happened. In my mind, anyway.
I wonder if people have noticed. How I’ve become a seemingly bolder, more assured version of myself. Maybe not. It wasn’t like it happened in one day. It happened quite gradually, perhaps they barely noticed anything happening.
At the time, I had become so tired of second-guessing my every move, being overly anxious and unknowingly allowing others to hold power over my decisions (well, if they say that’s the right thing to do, then I’ll just follow their word…). So one day my mind switched to the complete opposite. I’d lost any ounce of fear I had in me. Consequences no longer scared me. If I made the wrong decision, it was because I made that decision. Nobody else. The responsibility is my own.
I was no longer afraid of taking the wrong path. I no longer allowed anybody else to pick my answers for me. Because although I didn’t realise it at the time, I no longer wanted to hold other people accountable for my actions.
If I ran into obstacles, then I would climb them. If I fell, I would pick myself back up. I’m not afraid to fight. And I’m not afraid to do things for myself anymore instead of relying on others.
It was, perhaps, a slightly dangerous way to live. Having absolutely no fear at all. Jumping headfirst without thinking. The complete opposite to my overthinking, toe-dipping method I’d become so used to. In truth, I really didn’t mind what could’ve happened to me because I was too busy making myself run into the action. I think I was having some serious manic moments.
But it was liberating. To no longer be held back by such anxiety. Although perhaps a severe way of realising it, I learned what it felt like to embrace your decisions without feeling so afraid.
Fortunately, I feel I’m in a more balanced place now. Admittedly, I do still get moments where I overthink. But I’m working on it and I do try to stop myself from unproductively overthinking.
When I think about it, my inner-Tohru (bright, cheerful, optimistic) is still prevalent but I think the small percentage which held my inner-Misaki (fierce and determined) has really grown in the last few months. I love both characters for their selflessness and courage, so I think this is a good combination to strive for!
I’ve deemed 2017 a year of two themes. One is of ‘finding myself’ which seems to be happening nicely on its own. The other is ‘nice unexpected surprises.’ Which, again, seems to be happening nicely on its own in terms of myself but I also deliberately chose this as a personal goal aimed at other people. I want to try and give as many people a ‘nice unexpected surprise’ as possible. When I think of how happy they might feel to receive such a surprise, it makes me so excited to plan even more!
And that… is my secret 🙂