I chose to stop pretending.
I chose to stop fighting it.
I chose to embrace it.
It feels better this way.
Not perfect but definitely better.
It’s such a paradox.
I want to run and hide.
Yet part of me wants to stay too.
Are you deliberately trying to drive me crazy?
Do you think what you’re doing is funny?
But I shouldn’t jest.
I asked something of you
And to my surprise, I got it.
Even if it wasn’t perfect.
I guess I should still thank you.
Like I do every day.
Because I’ve learned so much from it.
And because it nudges me to run away.
Every day, a little more.
That nudge will become a push one day.
And maybe that’s what I need.
I always did want a little more adventure.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts… I had to write them all down.
I spent too long pretending.
I thought I’d get used to it.
But what use is getting used to it?
Just because it’s comfortable?
That isn’t a good reason to “get used to it.”
What use is “getting used to” something when you know it isn’t right for you?
Just because it isn’t bad?
Well, it isn’t good either.
Not bad but not entirely good. That “okay” zone is a dangerous place.
And I think I’ve been there for too long.
I’m getting agitated.
I’m going mad.
The truth is spilling out because it’s too difficult to hide.
I wonder if anyone notices.
Little bits of honesty, albeit disguised.
All because I can’t fight it anymore.
It isn’t fair on them.
That’s why I keep trying to hide.
I suppose that’s the wonderful thing about being ‘quiet.’
Not many people can tell when you’re being quieter than usual.
I’ve grown in character. A lot over these past three years.
There’s a part of me I now really admire.
I didn’t think I could reach such a point.
But there’s a part of me which I’m not so fond of.
I’m not sure I like her.
I’m trying to get out of that.
It feels like I’m forgetting who I am.
I think I need time to get to know myself again.
Have I been around others too much?
Have I lost focus on myself?
Am I thinking too much?
Why do I care so much?
I wrote a letter to the universe once.
three five years ago.
And it’s a little unbelievable… because the universe answered.
It happened when I started to think it was impossible.
It happened completely by accident.
My favourite way.
But the universe is also ironic.
Be careful what you wish for.
When you ask the universe for anything, be sure to be specific.
Now I don’t know if I should be thankful that my request was answered
(Because I maintain I’m happy such a scenario could occur)
Or should I be sad that it wasn’t exactly what I hoped for.
For whatever reason, I’m straying towards thankful.
So afraid of leaping.
Yet by not leaping, it’s driving me mad.
There’s potential for more out there.
Oh but it’s so easy to stay here where it’s familiar and comfortable.
What if it’s worse out there? Scarier? Not what I wanted?
But then what if it isn’t?
What if it’s better than here?
Leaping is better than being comfortable in a place where you’re not content.
Leaping is an experience.
And remember no matter how high you leap, you will always land.
Even if not smoothly, even if not immediately, you will always land.
That’s what I tell myself.
If the signs are so strong,
Why am I still struggling to listen to them?
All of this
Is advice I would give to someone else
So then why is it so hard to give it to myself?
Before this year, I don’t think I ever realised how much love I could feel for something. That passion for an idea. That excitement. It keeps you up late at night working on it because you think it’s such an amazing idea and you need it to come alive.
It makes me happy like nothing else can.
But on the other side of the coin, it can make you sad like nothing else can. When you work on it but hit a creative block. The words don’t read right, the drawing doesn’t look right, the imaginative flow has stopped suddenly. It can be frustrating.
But it doesn’t stop me. Knowing that it might brighten someone’s day… I’ll spend hours on a little sketch if it’ll make someone happy.
This year, I’m happy to have learned that this kind of feeling exists.
“But you know there is something I believe… I want to try live my life, carrying all of my memories with me. And even if those memories are painful. Even if they do nothing but hurt me. I want to keep them, even those memories I sometimes wish I could forget. As long as I carry them with me, as long as I can keep holding on, then someday… Someday I will be strong enough that those memories don’t hurt me anymore. I will be glad that I have them, that’s what I believe with all my heart. That’s why all my memories are precious to me. I don’t think it would be okay to forget a single one.”
– Momiji Sohma, Fruits Basket
I bring this up every so often on this blog but it’s seriously one of my favourite Fruits Basket episodes. The idea that every memory is important and makes us stronger, no matter how painful they might be at the moment, and the importance of holding on through that pain. They help us grow and eventually, we’ll overcome them.
You shouldn’t be afraid to be goofy, silly, a little crazy.
The same way you shouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes.
It’s natural to want to avoid embarrassment and failure when possible but we forget that those things are inevitable in life. Whoever went through life without tripping up at least once? Instead of being afraid of it happening, we should embrace it. If it happens, we should take our time to process and evaluate – whether that be laughing at yourself, crying, or hiding under a blanket for a few days… 🙂 – but ultimately, we move on with time.
The more we fall, the more we learn how to handle it. Of course every situation is different, some falls will be falls and others will be tumbles, but it makes us resilient. It helps us realise we can survive that kind of situation.
So don’t let fear hold you back. Jump in, dive in, or even tiptoe into the Ocean Of Challenges and don’t worry about getting soaked 🙂
There came a day where I thought to myself:
If an almighty entity appeared before me, telling me they could guarantee happiness to the people I love and grant them everything they could ever want in life… but the cost would be my own happiness, that I may never get the things I want… would I agree?
My answer? Yes. Yes I would.
There wasn’t even a shred of doubt.
Admittedly, this is probably quite an odd thing for me to think at… I think I was about 13 or 14… but there it is. 🙂
And to this day, I would still choose the same answer.
I feel lucky to have felt such love for people. And I don’t mean romantic love. I just mean pure, emotional love – that sense of care you feel for family or friends.
Don’t worry. I know to still look after myself. But if I love you, I’m not afraid to sacrifice a little of my own happiness for you to get yours. I can fight. I can take pain. If it means you won’t have to. Because I wouldn’t want you to.
Perhaps it’s a downfall. But I don’t like to believe it is. “Looking after number one” was never a phrase that I could follow.